I pushed it too far. I went to one more event and one more event and one more event. I let my tiny black heart run dangerously low on the things that feed it.
So I’ve spent most of the morning 🧛♀️ undead 🧟♀️ on the couch. I’ve snacked my way through a bunch of crappy foods. I finally put my ass in a bubble bath hoping to emergency self care myself into a better mood. It helped a tiny bit but my brain forgot the impossibility of enjoying a bath in a one bathroom house while the three kiddos are still here. DOH!
Mom tip: there is nothing relaxing about being tucked behind the curtain while child after child after child has to use the toilet. It’s a glam life listening to your child poop two feet from your head while you’re trying to read in the half dark behind the shower curtain. 3/10 would not recommend 🤣
You know you are overdone when READING takes too much energy. (FYI reading is my absolute favorite pastime. If I’m not reading then my dreams are dying. Just saying.)
Now I’m tucked into the couch with a toddler wrapped in random fabric pieces (it’s her Moana costume, ok?! 😂). I’m watching Murder She Wrote. (An all time favorite. I’ve seen every episode multiple times. Why do I not write or read murder mysteries??? Murder shows are 70% of my tv viewing. 💀)
So today I choose lazy. If only my inner mean girl would shut the fuck up about the clutter in the kitchen and the weird ass school supplies I haven’t summoned from Amazon yet. 😫
Why does everyone hate television so much? There are constantly posts about the dangers of screen time. And I hear fellow moms admitting in a hushed voice that they like to watch a tv show at night as a form of self care. Taking an hour to themselves to immerse themselves in a world that is not their own.
Um. How is that a bad thing? How can getting immersed inside a character and living vicariously through them be something people should feel shame over? How is this any different from reading books? It’s smacks of ableism in my opinion. If you happen to have a brain that can sit down and devour 800 pages of a novel in one sitting…good for you! My sons would claw their eyes out if they had to read an 800 page novel. I would spend every single moment reading if I could. People find joy in different forms of stories. No one ever accuses someone of being a book addict, do they? There are no posts shaming people for immersing themselves inside a character and living vicariously through them when it is READING. Newsflash people. Those characters on the screen are WRITTEN by a flesh and blood person somewhere who just wants to pay their bills and share their stories with the world. Why can’t we just let people enjoy things?
I love TV.
I love reading.
Not everything is good or bad people. Go relax and enjoy your stories in whatever form you like. Binge watch that series. Read 10 books in a single day. Whatever floats your boat.
It’s been over a week since I returned from the Sovereign Rising retreat and I’m still out of it.
My beautiful babies wrote me this love note in the driveway and I ugly cried so hard. I missed them so much!
That’s the biggest thing I learned while I was away. I am so incredibly grateful for my family that the love tends to leak out of the corners of my eyes. 😍😢
I miss all of the wonderful women I met so intensely. I miss that amazing sense of community and acceptance. I miss the quiet of the Maine woods. I miss the freedom of not owing anybody a damn thing. I actually crave tent sleeping. Seriously. Who the fuck am I now? I have been all about non-country living for decades and now all I want is to be outside. 🤷🏼♀️
I have lost my mom voice. I can’t even dredge up that deep scary voice that terrifies young children and adults alike. I’m tired of being scary. I’m still creepy as fuck but I don’t want to be loud with anything other than laughter. 😂 #cackleoutloud
I have changed so very much from four days surrounded by nature and inspiring women. I am so much closer to ME. I look at my life and things are shifting…slowly.
This girl came back with me and I’m so glad I found her again. 😍
It creeps up in the worst moments. I will be having a grand old time playing with my kids. Or I will be relaxing in a rare moment of quiet. Then there it is: Mom. Guilt.
My thoughts go something like this. Is this how I’m supposed to play with my kid? Should the games we are playing be more educational? Why doesn’t my toddler know all her colors yet? What if I’m doing this all wrong? Why is playing with these damn dolls so fucking BORING? Oh no. I’m a terrible mom. I don’t like playing with my kids. Get out the pitchforks and torches. Force me to wear a scarlet patch on my chest. They are going to drag me into the center of town and throw rocks at me. I should feel grateful for every single moment I get to spend with my kids. They are a precious gift. Why am I rolling my eyes at my precious gift??? Why is my precious gift so damn hard to entertain? I know. I’ll just creep off for some quiet in the kitchen. I sit down at the coffee table with a freshly poured and warmed up cup of coffee. It’s quiet. My toddler is playing happily on the living room floor with her dolls. My boys are playing some video game or other. Have they played too much today? I haven’t seen them in three hours. I’m not monitoring them closely enough. What if there is a predator trying to get at them right this moment and I’m sitting here like an idiot drinking this cup of coffee. Maybe I shouldn’t drink this much coffee. I’m going to put this coffee cup down and go check on the kids. Spoiler alert: the kids are all fine and I’ve fallen prey to MOM GUILT. 🤦♀️
Why do I do this to myself? What possible evolutionary benefit did Mom Guilt offer? I’m sure while humans were scrambling for survival they weren’t so consumed with this bullshit.
My kids are fed and clothed. They have tons of shit to entertain themselves with. Too much STUFF sometimes but that’s another post. I’m so ready to punch mom guilt in the tit and ride off into the sunset with my kids in search of adventure without this ridiculous social baggage. ✌️